Sunday, November 29, 2009

20 Things We Learned Over Thanksgiving Vacation

The yellow house on Virginia Street, Santa Ana, CA

1. We learned that there's a subtle distinction between discernment and discrimination, but even the best minds of our age cannot discern whether Van Gogh was French or Dutch.

2. We learned that Wes Anderson should only have been making stop-action photography films for children all along.

3. We learned that Robert's orange cat has been moonlighting for the greeting card industry.

4. We learned that there are commercial possibilities for marketing rutabaga soda.

5. We learned that the Greatness of the Raiders will not be denied no matter how many games they pathetically lose.

6. We learned that it's not Starbucks, but Starby's.

7. We learned that there are, at most, seven chanteuses in the history of recorded music, and Celine Dion is NOT one of them.

8. We learned that Dave and Buster's is an insidious training program teaching kids how to gamble.

9. We learned that, contrary to all indications, the stars' bodies are not actually buried under their stars on the Hollywood walk-of-fame.

10. We learned that the most delicious eggs are produced by The Easter Egg Chicken.

11. We learned that if an Indian homosexual couple discovers you have let 10 years go by without assembling your wedding album, they will insist you do so immediately.

12. We learned that serving only vegetarian food at one's dinner parties while insisting that vegetarian food be served at other people's dinner parties is not conducive to creating harmonious relations between vegetarians and omnivores.

13. We learned that all literary feuds are funny.

14. We learned that Scientologists frown upon pre-marital sex.

15. We learned that the truth is on the wall now.

16. We learned that one should never underestimate the vicious ruthlessness of an eight-year old girl playing card games.

17. We learned that any assertion can always be effectively countered by inquiring "is it?"

18. We learned that, according to TV Guide, it turns out Mad Max is actually a brilliant metaphysical allegory depicting the nature of ultimate reality, vis a vis the convergence of energies and forces swirling around the planet at this moment in Earth's history.

19. We learned that, if you are lucky, you might, outside of a Starby's in Laguna Beach on a Saturday night, see one of the blue light dogs.*

20. We learned that, despite the urgency and importance of disentangling the pervasive and paralyzing effects of deep-seated sexual dysfunctions in one's family histories, in the end there is still no substitute for a really good strawberry cheesecake.

* These are dogs specially trained to protect pedestrians in busy intersections, because it is against the law to hit a dog with a car.