Closer to Saying

Alone with my God, and with you...
Delusions so cute once, and quick-cutting ruses so easy
Now to see through.
Yet I tremble all the same.
You tell me not to move, to stay near you, so you can
Tell me how you cannot move, and cannot work, how no one
Can “get” your dis-ease (least of all me). Betrayed
By your friends, forgotten in love, made powerless by the crazy
World of widgets and creditors, you pine for the days
Before you met me—
And I am paralysed by love.
I sit, massaging your toes, testing my eloquence,
Creating from air a pretend happy ending, and
This seems to work for the evening, but each midnight
It's the same: you deserve more than the fruits of your world,
You're not used to feeling so worthless, I would never
Understand, in my two-hour commute and enslavement
To wages, what you are going through, waiting for a call,
Watching the account slip away. Tonight you say you need
A heated pool or new clothes to live, take my pick. I think,
But can't say “we have to use charge cards now for food.”
And then the lonely call comes through the dismal house:
“I've found another doctor who might help me.”
Let's borrow, you say,
From my parents. The question of course is one of tactics,
The etiquette of asking, not how it might make me feel,
The one not in touch with feelings, who lacks all
Integrity when it comes to money, how many long nights
I've been jabbed for an answer, of why I can't look
My folks in the eye and say "I will pay you back someday."
But for you, in lieu of a job, for reasons you'll never
Discuss, this makes sense, becomes mathematical.

I reach out for you, to silence this storm, say it will be
Alright, we'll find a way to afford your medicine.
Life is a gift you don't have, my love, to steal from.
I reach toward your lips—You turn. I'll sleep again
Tonight in the other room. Until you are well, and can sleep
For a night 30 days, I cannot touch your skin in my dreams,
Or hold you as the sun wakes up. Your happiness
Has nothing to do, it seems, with my love, but I can't stop
Loving you, or make you happy. It's your responsibility, I
Whisper, as if I want more torment from you. But I don't.
I just love you, and I don't know what to do.